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Lola: The World's Best Dog Groomer & Kim Kardashian

I love when a conversation with a loved one makes you turn an idea and a simple everyday phrase on it's head. We were walking our wonderful dog, Blondie, in the park in West London when the idea came to us!

I never thought I'd be writing about Kim Kardashian but she's the perfect muse for the poem. It's written with respect and humour.

I hope you all enjoy it. I'm sure you'll guess the twist.

P.S. Thanks to for the inspiration behind the penultimate stanza!

Lola's Perfect Poodle Parlour

Lola: The World’s Best Dog Groomer

Her name is Lola, she’s the best

A top dog groomer, rare and blessed

From Kim Kardashian, Kanye West

In Lola’s parlour, all invest

Her waiting list is three years long

She’ll turn a look to right from wrong

Her magic skills, to primp and perm

make other poodle groomers squirm

But Kim Kardashian jumped the queue

“I influence! I know who’s who!”

Her Pomeranians plumed their tails

as Kim admired her pierced nails

I want the works, add bling, add chic

add top knot bows, add Botoxed cheeks!

I need an instant Twitter fix

I want a billion Insta clicks.”

So Lola worked her scissor tips

She sprayed the hair, she filled the lips

She plumped the rear, she waxed the jaws

She shaved the legs, she scrubbed the pores

And hours on, in perfumed mist

Kim clapped her hands and mirror-kissed

“Oh doll,” she said, “ I look so hot!”

on Lola’s poodle parlour yacht

Then Kim Kardashian flooded tills

with diamonds, pearls and dollar bills

Oh Lola, I admire your art

but you’re not business savvy smart.

You must branch out. Groom pooches too!

My Pom-Poms need a ‘Lola-do’

to make them fab and fresh like me.

You are a dog! Why don’t you see?

Your talent’s huge, please understand

A dog who grooms is in demand!”

Upon hind legs Ms. Lola sighs

She files her claws and rolls her eyes

She wags her tail from left to right

She sniffs her bits and takes a bite

and gnaws her favourite Jimmy Choo -

a fake faux pearl-embellished shoe

I’m sorry hun, I’m one proud poodle

So get that jammed inside your noodle

I human-groom, I fashion togs

I people-preen, I DON"T DO DOGS!”

Mark Bird

P.S. Lola's favourite Jimmy-Choo-Chew-Shoe can be bought at the following link 😜

Lola's Favourite Jimmy-Choo-Chew-Shoe

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