Halloween Date From Hell: The Story Behind My Funny Halloween Poem
- Mark Bird
- Jul 9
- 3 min read
Halloween Date From Hell: Front Cover Michael Jackson's Thriller Witch and Zommbie Halloween Dates Witch and Zombie silhouette Halloween Date From Hell - Reviews
A Funny Halloween Poem with a Grisly Twist
I have always loved poems that make children laugh while also making them squirm a little. Halloween Date From Hell grew from the idea of a lonely witch searching the classified adverts for love, only to discover that dating a zombie comes with a few unexpected problems. This funny Halloween poem combines gruesome romance, ridiculous characters and the kind of dark humour I have always enjoyed writing.
Perhaps spooky poems were always going to find me. I was born while my family lived in Cemetery House in Uttoxeter, where my dad and grandad worked for the council maintaining the cemetery. My grandad even dug the graves and, as children, my sister, cousins and I would sometimes climb down the ladders and play in them, not really understanding what they were.
Looking back, that strange mixture of childhood innocence, darkness and humour probably explains a lot about the poems I write now. I enjoy creating spooky worlds that are eerie without losing their playfulness, where witches, zombies, skeletons and monsters can still make children laugh.
Halloween Date From Hell was first published in The Caterpillar magazine and later included in The Best Ever Funny Poems, edited by Brian Moses. The poem was brought wonderfully to life by illustrator Chris White, whose brilliantly funny and grotesque illustrations perfectly capture its gruesome humour. I hope this funny Halloween poem gives young readers a few shivers, plenty of laughs and a suitably grisly twist at the end.
Halloween Date From Hell
I'm sick of chopping creatures up
I'm tired of making broth
filled with bleedin’ legs of frog
and flaky wings of moth
So I bought ‘The Undead Times’ last week
and clawed the classifieds
to find a date for Halloween -
an ugly one who’s died!
Being the busiest time of year
the list was not the most -
A mischief-seeking goblin,
A bored, retired ghost
Confused and lonely werewolf types
who couldn’t do full moons
A vampire who’d prefer to not
do sunny afternoons
A pumpkin-monster desperate
for air-heads with a grin
A skeleton who'd like to meet
a slim thing thin on skin
I was just about to give up when...
right there on the next page
was a gorgeous, grotesque zombie
thirteen times my age
My wrinkly heart began to beat
His search was for a hag
with warts and boils and super-nose
who liked to dress in rags
It couldn’t be more perfect
We met All Hallows Eve
but when he kissed my veiny hand
his arm fell from his sleeve
As I bent down to pick it up
he tried a quick embrace
and accidentally bashed my boil
which burst upon his face
Silence first but then we laughed
It echoed in the doom
He dragged me to the picnic
he’d laid out on his tomb
We crunched on bats and vultures' beaks
He boasted he's a killer
and that he was an extra once
in Michael Jackson’s Thriller
He lunged at me with his fat lips
then licked my warty chin
He stroked my wiry, bracken hair
and nibbled my old skin
A love like this I’d never known
He lurched me to my door
He soaked me with a goodnight kiss
His tongue fell on the floor
The local kids fled from the streets
and gangs of adults too
I beckoned in my juicy hunk
to taste my special brew
He grunted to the kitchen stove
The cauldron bubbled hot
I stroked his chest, then shoved him hard
with all the strength I’d got
Well I’m sick of chopping creatures up
I’m tired of making broth
But zombies are much easier
as bits of them fall off
No fiddly scraps of moth or frog
No complicated spell
Just a gristly, grisly Halloween stew
A match sure made in hell!
Mark Bird
🎃 Signed Copies Available
Halloween Date From Hell is no longer in print, but I still have a limited number of new copies available directly from me.
Each copy can be signed and personalised, making it a lovely Halloween gift for young readers, classrooms or anyone who enjoys funny, spooky stories.
Enjoyed this poem? Discover more funny, spooky, inspiring and imaginative poems for children.
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