The Greatest Kisser



The greatest kisser here on Earth

Is known as Bob Lipdrooly

Been kissing since his day of birth

He's hooked most well and truly


He kisses almost anything

He’s even snogged a horse

He kisses legs and pigeon wings

His wife wants a divorce


He kisses cats. He kisses dogs

He kisses ladies' hands

He kisses bats. He kisses frogs

He’s kissed in every land


He even kisses walls at times

He even kisses floors

And if they slip with sludge and slime

He kisses them some more


But all this kissing can be tough

His lips can chap and wear

And when they fall completely off

He superglues a pair


A rival dared him just last week

To kiss all that he saw

A belly, feet, a pig’s bum cheek

A bearded old man’s jaw


He kissed a stick.

He kissed a car.

Some baby sick.

He kissed a bra.

He kissed the queen.

He kissed a tomb.

An old baked bean.

His new vacuum......


but with the suction turned to full

It gobbled at great speed

And with a final sucker-pull

The vacuum had its feed


So Bob Lipdrooly gone for good

And no one even knew

How he had disappeared that day

But I found out the truth


That morning when I got to work

I found a slaver trail

A choking hoover-trunk, beserk

A whirring vacuum jail


For years he’s kissed me - nose to toes

My shins, my chins, my head

My husband gets quite jealous so...

I locked it in the shed


I hear Lipdrooly sob most days

For I’m his maid you see

But in the vacuum he can stay

To stop him kissing me


Now work's so peaceful, no abuse

No slobber-chops, no rush

For carpets though, I have to use

A dustpan and a brush


©2009 Mark Bird

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