Mr Gooze


After the school holidays

about a week ago

Miss Scent, our cool headmistress left

because she had twelve toes


I loved Miss Scent so very much

She had the sweetest smile

But, two toes, they had to go

and the op. would take a while


So filling in was Mr. Gooze

who seemed a little weird

when parachuting into school

with only half a beard


He finished off assembly

with some bizarre advice

“When reading from your books,” he sang

“it’s best to close your eyes."


Things they went from bad to worse

as Mr Gooze took rule

“It’s time to do things differently

in this tired , dreary school.”


“You MUST run in the corridor

Karate kick your friends

Wrestle with a Barbie Doll

Pick your nose with pens.”


“Fill your pencil case with eggs

And bless each with a kiss

Then aim them at your teacher’s head

Detention if you miss!”


 “The uniform is grey and dull!”

he screeched above the noise

“Tomorrow wear bikini suits

That’s girls as well as boys."


He made us swim in sandpits

Play football with one leg

Scuba dive in goldfish tanks

Hang bogeys on our peg


“Two and Two is four they say!

They’re really incorrect

Two and two is ninety-six

The fools! They should’ve checked.”


His first week finally over

The school had gone quite mad

Homework was – ‘to eat ten worms.’

I ran to tell my dad


But he just thought I’d made it up

“Your imagination’s wild

This Mr Gooze sounds like a laugh

Now do your homework child."


Well Monday morning came too quick

And who was on the gate?

Yes you’ve guessed it, Mr Gooze

“Ten stars for being late!”


He shaved the teachers' heads quite bald

And giggled with delight

As children scooped up fallen locks

And had a hairball fight


Our lunch was served in doggy bowls

and placed upon the ground

“Let’s wag our tails and woof!” he barked

“Let’s piddle like we’re hounds.”


So that was it and that was that

I couldn’t take no more

As Mr Gooze yelled, “Sausages!”

and rolled across the floor


I called the cops immediately

They hurried to the scene

where Sir was kissing skipping ropes

and screaming, “I'm the Queen!"


Police chased after Mr Gooze

From window ledge he waved

“I’m outta here,” he said, then leapt

“You’re terribly behaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaved.”


So glad I was, the next school day

Miss Scent had come back early

“At last I have ten toes,” she gushed

Her hairstyle new and curly


“And what’s more,” she grinned and purred

“I have some happy news

I’m marrying the man I love

His name is Mr Gooze!”


©2009 Mark Bird


let's go crazy - prince

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