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The Greatest Kisser

A vacuum cleaner sucks up a man called Bob Lipdrooly

The greatest kisser here on Earth
is known as Bob Lipdrooly
Been kissing since his day of birth
He’s hooked most well and truly

He kisses almost anything
He’s even snogged a horse
He kisses legs and pigeon wings
His wife wants a divorce

He kisses cats. He kisses dogs
He kisses human hands
He kisses bats. He kisses frogs
He’s kissed in every land

He even kisses walls at times
He even kisses floors
and if they slip with sludge and slime
he kisses them some more

But all this kissing can be tough
His lips can chap and wear
and when they fall completely off
he superglues a pair

A rival dared him just last week
to kiss all that he saw
A belly, feet, a pig’s bum cheek
A bearded old man’s jaw

He kissed a stick.
He kissed a car.
Some baby sick.
He kissed a bra.
He kissed the queen.
He kissed a tomb.
An old baked bean.
His new vacuum…

…but with the suction turned to full
it gobbled at great greed
and with one final sucker-pull
the vacuum had its feed

So Bob Lipdrooly gone for good
and no one even knew
how he had disappeared that day
but I found out the truth

That morning when I got to work
I found a slabber trail
A choking hoover-trunk, beserk
A whirring vacuum jail

For years he’s kissed me - nose to toes
my shins, my chins, my head
My husband gets quite jealous so…
I locked it in the shed

I hear Lipdrooly sob most days
for I’m his maid you see
but in the vacuum he can stay
to stop him kissing me

Oh work’s so peaceful, no abuse
no slobber-chops, no rush
For carpets though, I have to use
a dustpan and a brush

©2009 Mark Bird

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