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Mr Gooze

Teacher, Miss Scent, thinks about headteacher, Mr Gooze. She imagines in him in a heart-shaped thought bubble.

After the school holidays
about a week ago
Miss Scent, our cool headmistress left
because she had twelve toes

I loved Miss Scent so very much
She had the sweetest smile
But, two toes, they had to go
and the op. would take a while

So filling in was Mr. Gooze
who seemed a little weird
when parachuting into school
with only half a beard

He finished off assembly
with some bizarre advice
“When reading from your books,” he sang
“it’s best to close your eyes."

Things they went from bad to worse
as Mr Gooze took rule
“It’s time to do things differently
in this old and dreary school.”

“You MUST run in the corridor
Karate kick your friends
Wrestle with a Barbie Doll
Pick your nose with pens.”

“Fill your pencil case with eggs
and bless each with a kiss
then aim them at your teacher’s head
Detention if you miss!”

“The uniform is grey and dull!”
he screeched above the noise
“Tomorrow wear bikini suits
That’s girls as well as boys."

He made us swim in sandpits
Play football with one leg
Scuba dive in goldfish tanks
Hang bogeys on our peg

“Two and Two is four they say!
They’re really incorrect
Two and two is ninety-six
The fools! They should’ve checked.”

His first week finally over
The school had gone quite mad
Homework was – ‘to eat ten worms.’
I ran to tell my dad

But Dad just thought I'd made it up
“Your imagination’s wild
Mr Gooze sounds like a laugh
Now do your homework child."

Well Monday morning came too quick
and who was on the gate?
Yes you’ve guessed it, Mr Gooze
“Ten stars for being late!”

He'd shaved the teachers' heads quite bald
and giggled with delight
as children scooped up fallen locks
and had a hairball fight

Our lunch was served in doggy bowls
and placed upon the ground
“Let’s wag our tails and woof!” he barked
“Let’s piddle like we’re hounds.”

So that was it and that was that
I couldn’t take no more
as Mr Gooze yelled, “Sausages!”
and rolled across the floor

I called the cops immediately
They hurried to the scene
where Sir was kissing skipping ropes
and screaming, “I'm the Queen!"

Police chased after Mr Gooze
From window ledge he waved
“I’m outta here,” he said, then leapt
“You’re terribly behaaaaaaaaaaaaaved.”

So glad I was, the next school day
Miss Scent had come back early
“At last I have ten toes,” she gushed
Her hairstyle new and curly

“And what’s more,” she grinned and purred
“I have some happy news
I’m marrying the man I love
His name is Mr Gooze!”

©2009 Mark Bird

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